Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Suzanne Somers: We Love You!

Suzanne Somers must be the most lovable retard on TV right now. She's selling her new scam book titled, "Knockout" and she's making people rethink the way we treat cancers.

But I am angry at her. I'm not mad because she's trying to sell stupid morons her retarded concoctions but because she stole my ideas for recipies to cure cancer. (I imagine the Nobel committee is preparing to award her with the prize in medicine next year as we speak). At the end of the post, I'll will post a killer..erm..i mean cure-ific recipe for fighting breast cancer.

I'm all for home remedies. If it keeps stupid fucking morons at home and out of our already crowded hospitals because they are trying this shit, I fully support it. But please, if you're going to go with the so called natural path and your disease gets worse, DON'T come into the hospital during your last hours on Earth. We don't need to spend 1 million dollars trying to correct all of the natural crap you did to your body.

I've come to the conclusion that because our resources are so damn limited, keeping morons out of the hospital and sending them faster into the graves are the only options we have left. Is this heartless? Possibly. But my heart belongs to people with some sense, not the tools reading the garbage that the whore from three's company sells on tv. I'm also looking at you Oprah. If I see you getting Chemo, I'm going to call God and tell on you because you should go straight to hell.

Sure, suzanne somer's book recipes were never tested against conventional therapies that were developed over years of research but who cares? I mean, I had great ideas too while taking a shit and Suzanne Somers should have the right to kill as many people as she wants with the ideas she got during her cocaine binge. I wonder, what is the name of the clinical trial where she tested all of her theories? I ask because patients ask this all of the time about conventional therapies and yet when it comes to natural shit, no one cares. I think she and Kevin Trudeau should team up and write the ultimate book titled, "Ultimate: Cheating Death and Spitting in the Face of God".

I also think that Suzanne Somers should be personally liable for the methods in that book. If people die faster because of her cures, she should be ready to compensate them. In fact, I think every one of those retards with cure-all books should be liable. That way, we can save some paper and keep some of those crazy ass shit off the shelves.

Anyway, I'm sure everyone has been waiting for this. My breast cancer cure:

Ingredients needed:
5 Chicken breasts (It makes sense right?)
2 cups of Milk - specifically Lactaid (Must be whole milk with vitamin D)
1 cup Human breast milk (just ask a lady on the street breast feeding)
Antioxidants (Umm...just grab any vegetable at the Supermarket)
I 1 cup of Boba (means boob in chinese...clearly logical)
Dozen Hooters brand hot wings (hotter the better)
Single strand of Suzanne Somers' hair (pubic is preferable since pubes have hormones right?)
Enema tube

Mix these ingredients in a large bowel with 1 cup of Milk. Then blend. Then bake in oven for 25 hours at 200 degrees F. Then pour into a blender and mix with 1 cup of human breast milk and 1 cup of cow milk. When you get a nice thick sauce, place in enema tube and start squirting it into your anal hole. Within weeks, your ass should smell like...a worse smelling ass. At that point, you should be cured from breast cancer. I may reveal more secrets in future posts. But I'm writing most of them in my next book, "My recipes are better than Kevin and Suzanne's recipes".

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Is this cure organic? Is there a vegan alternative? I'm just preparing you for the Hollywood response.

And to warn you, Tea Station has something like this already. It has a different name. I think it's called a Coconut Slush.

Those Chinese, they've invented everything.