Friday, October 02, 2009

Do people fart in your face? Well, do they?!?

I must be in one of a handful of professions in the world where you must tolerate or even encourage flatulence. I will also argue that customers find it comfortable farting in my presence, even though I find smelly farts are not at the top of my favorite-things-in-the-world list and do not really want shit particles floating into my nose.

I was working with a customer the other day when I heard this woman fart. It was a loud fart and as far as I could smell at that point, a relatively unsmelly explosion. However, this woman did not apologize or say "excuse me" for farting. Instead, she just farted again...

and again....

and again.

Seriously, the person farted about 10 times (they were a combination of short rapid fire farts combined with some swooshing farts, finishing with a hadouken-style super fart of atomic proportions).

And then it happened.

I was bending down to help examine her heel when suddenly she farted in my face. It was a moderate explosion but it was definitely smelly. I would describe the smell as a mixture of human feces, cat urine, and old sweaty socks. I felt like an invisible fart film covered my face (imagine a saran wrap covering your face except the saran wrap is much more farty and fucking gross).

She still did not exhibit any embarrassment. She just continued her business and kept farting.

It was really weird. I had no choice at this point but ask, "Having you been passing gas a lot lately?"

She replied, "Yeah, but it's alright. Farting makes me feel good."


Now, what the fuck are you supposed to say to that?

Actually, I didn't say anything because I was dry heaving the entire time. I finished my work as quickly as I could and escaped to my office. I developed a mild headache after the exposure and felt a bit dirty. I was contemplating going to the ER so I can give the ER docs a good laugh but I had more work to do. My next appointment was a fishy experience...but I'm worn out so I'll weave that tale at another time.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


It's official. Your experiences as a sales associate at Armani Exchange have surpassed your antics as the only Asian manager at the Palo Alto Abercrombie and Fitch. Break that glass ceiring sista!

I think you should have actually thrown up on her foot. Why hold back? I've heard your regurgitation skills are impressive.

And if you want to return to that moment of nausea, I suggest watching the following trailer.

Bon appetit!