Suzanne Somers: We Love You!

Suzanne Somers must be the most lovable retard on TV right now. She's selling her new scam book titled, "Knockout" and she's making people rethink the way we treat cancers.

But I am angry at her. I'm not mad because she's trying to sell stupid morons her retarded concoctions but because she stole my ideas for recipies to cure cancer. (I imagine the Nobel committee is preparing to award her with the prize in medicine next year as we speak). At the end of the post, I'll will post a killer..erm..i mean cure-ific recipe for fighting breast cancer.

I'm all for home remedies. If it keeps stupid fucking morons at home and out of our already crowded hospitals because they are trying this shit, I fully support it. But please, if you're going to go with the so called natural path and your disease gets worse, DON'T come into the hospital during your last hours on Earth. We don't need to spend 1 million dollars trying to correct all of the natural crap you did to your body.

I've come to the conclusion that because our resources are so damn limited, keeping morons out of the hospital and sending them faster into the graves are the only options we have left. Is this heartless? Possibly. But my heart belongs to people with some sense, not the tools reading the garbage that the whore from three's company sells on tv. I'm also looking at you Oprah. If I see you getting Chemo, I'm going to call God and tell on you because you should go straight to hell.

Sure, suzanne somer's book recipes were never tested against conventional therapies that were developed over years of research but who cares? I mean, I had great ideas too while taking a shit and Suzanne Somers should have the right to kill as many people as she wants with the ideas she got during her cocaine binge. I wonder, what is the name of the clinical trial where she tested all of her theories? I ask because patients ask this all of the time about conventional therapies and yet when it comes to natural shit, no one cares. I think she and Kevin Trudeau should team up and write the ultimate book titled, "Ultimate: Cheating Death and Spitting in the Face of God".

I also think that Suzanne Somers should be personally liable for the methods in that book. If people die faster because of her cures, she should be ready to compensate them. In fact, I think every one of those retards with cure-all books should be liable. That way, we can save some paper and keep some of those crazy ass shit off the shelves.

Anyway, I'm sure everyone has been waiting for this. My breast cancer cure:

Ingredients needed:
5 Chicken breasts (It makes sense right?)
2 cups of Milk - specifically Lactaid (Must be whole milk with vitamin D)
1 cup Human breast milk (just ask a lady on the street breast feeding)
Antioxidants (Umm...just grab any vegetable at the Supermarket)
I 1 cup of Boba (means boob in chinese...clearly logical)
Dozen Hooters brand hot wings (hotter the better)
Single strand of Suzanne Somers' hair (pubic is preferable since pubes have hormones right?)
Enema tube

Mix these ingredients in a large bowel with 1 cup of Milk. Then blend. Then bake in oven for 25 hours at 200 degrees F. Then pour into a blender and mix with 1 cup of human breast milk and 1 cup of cow milk. When you get a nice thick sauce, place in enema tube and start squirting it into your anal hole. Within weeks, your ass should smell like...a worse smelling ass. At that point, you should be cured from breast cancer. I may reveal more secrets in future posts. But I'm writing most of them in my next book, "My recipes are better than Kevin and Suzanne's recipes".

Big breakfast vs Sausage biscuit with egg

Sausage Buscuit with egg (coffee and hashbrowns not shown)

Does anyone know what the difference is between a McDonald's Big Breakfast combo and McDonald's Sausage Biscuit with Egg combo other than the price? Are they not the same components?

Big Breakfast (coffee not shown)

Am I paying extra for the fucking plate? Do I get something more??? I need to know!

Hey Chef, can you ask your culinary teacher about this? Is it just the size of the egg? The amount of egg they give you seems similar every time I've tried both.

I hate being ripped off.

Sandwiches...I don't like 'em

Some people love sandwiches. I am not one of them.

I don't know why but I don't like sandwiches anymore. I don't like any kind of sandwich, even with meats or cuts I normally enjoy. Don't get me wrong, if a sandwich is presented to me, I'll eat it. However, I will not actively search to buy one for a meal.

I'm trying to figure out why I don't like them. Could it be that I ate so much of it during childhood I am sick of it? Or could it be that I had Subway sandwiches every other day during school that I no longer crave bread and meat?

I would rather eat tacos and burritos. I would rather just eat the meat by itself. I would rather eat a steak rather than a steak sandwich.

If on a menu, all other items are unappetizing, I would probably get a sandwich.

I reaffirmed my disdain for sandwiches yesterday when I purchased a pastrami sandwich.

It was blah.

Cougars! ROWR!!

When I say the word "Cougar", what comes to YOUR mind?

Is it this?

Or, do you think of this?

Webster dictionary defines Cougar as: a large powerful tawny-brown cat (Felis concolor) formerly widespread in the Americas but now reduced in number or extinct in many areas —called also catamount, mountain lion, panther, puma.

*YAWN*

Websters is soooo 1985.

I really like Urban Dictionary's definition(s) of cougar, especially the most popular definition:

An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.

I would argue that more often than not, the milf or hottie comes to mind for most people when it comes to cougars and not the bloated horn-meister. And thanks to shows like Sex and the City, Demi Moore, Dr. Quinn in Wedding Crashers and reruns of Golden Girls, we reinforce that stereotype.

I will tell you, however, that outside of movies and Hollywood, cougars are anything but glamorous. The reality is that these cougar relationships can be really disturbing.

I had a run in with a cougar the other day. I will first quote a famous archeologist and say, "Nothing shocks me, I'm a scientist."

I will admit though, in this instance, I was close to being shocked.

I was interviewing two people who I thought were mother and son when I realized that this was not the case. The mother was in fact the girlfriend. When the woman said, "I noticed my boyfriend was acting weird and pushing me away in bed at night," I did a double take.

This woman was 58 years old. The guy was 31 years old. The woman did not look her age. In fact, she looked 68 years old. She looked tired, worn out, wrinkled and without botox. Her breasts had sagged with age and the sun damage to her skin was extensive. She had a ill-look about her. Her skin was rough, her face was scarred and her hair was somewhat disheveled. She had a 4th grade education and it was hard for her to comprehend things.

The guy was my customer but he never said a word. The woman did all of the talking. I listened to their/her story and realized what was happening.

Here is the summary:
1) The guy was faking an illness and he was mooching off this woman without her knowledge.
2) The woman treats this guy like the son she never had AND the lover she never had.
3) The guy is a fucking tool.
4) The guy was ripping off the government, obtaining SS for a disability that he did not have.
5) The woman has psych issues.
6) The guy is poor, the woman works but makes a salary that is below poverty line.

This is the story of this cougar and her buck. This is reality.

I was pretty annoyed by this encounter. Honestly, age shouldn't be a factor and I care not that the woman is much older than the guy. Who the fuck cares. If they love each other, then it doesn't matter.

The problem is, it was so fucking clear that the guy was taking advantage of this woman for her money. As minuscule of an amount that may be, the guy was using her so he doesn't have to work. He sits at home and plays video games all day. And before you say, "the guy probably gives her companionship and sex in return", I will say, he does not. He rarely puts out. Plus, he attributes his apathetic attitude toward the woman to the disease he doesn't have.

But I can't completely sympathize with this woman either. She is an enabler and she is so desperate for...well, human contact that she is willing to overlook everything. And she lost a few marbles in Neverland while flying around in her coked up state.

This encounter brought me back to reality. Hollywood cougars may prowl around in certain clubs in LA but the reality is that many more cougars in suburbia may be like the one I described here today. I met several more cougars after this encounter and most did not have the glamorous story everyone expects.

So what is the moral of the story?

Cougars are not all milf.

Lame

Internet is not working at home. What the fuck is wrong with these people. All I ask in life is unlimited super fast internet that is on all the time. Why have I been forsaken?

You smell...that's right, I'm looking at YOU

People stink. There is no denying it. Human beings are filthy flawed creatures. We are animals. There is no denying it.

Now you're thinking, "At Church on Sunday, everyone smells so nice and they look so good. You must be wrong."

I would respond by saying, "Shut the hell up stupid. You dunt know nuthin."

If you took those same people at the so called pristine church and ripped off their facade (ie their clothing), you would see some really gross nasty things. You will see weird moles, smelly skin lesions, infections, STDs, genital hoohaws, and stained dookey underwear.

If God created man in His image...well, I won't say any more than that. I'll instead just shake my head in disbelief. The body is imperfect and there are weird crap everywhere.

Again, you don't believe me? Get a mirror and look at your hairy bunghole at the end of your work day. Tell me you're not disgusted. Then carefully look at the tiny imperfections in your skin. Do you see it? Yeah you do. And then imagine all of the other crap that's wrong with you underneath all that inside your body. Uh oh, am I turning some people into body dysmorphos? Oh well. Whatevahz.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, I have to watch people all day long. That's what I do. That's my job. I find that although many people are tolerable, many others are really really unbelievably gross.

Yesterday, I saw a woman who is "one with nature". She had really really gross feet and crap stuck in between her toes. I was really grossed out by the fungal infection and the smell. Why can't they just take a bath one in awhile? I have to look at people's feet because at Sax, I occasionally have to sell shoes like Al Bundy.

And then today, I saw a 400lb woman with nothing but a thin wispy dress with no underwear waft into my store. Hmm...maybe waft isn't the right word. Maybe I should say, thundarred into the women's section. The weird thing about this woman is that when she sat down anywhere, she would keep her legs wide open for all to see. And sadly, I was privy to her privies. What I saw next was really weird. It was white. Completely white like white chalk. And she didn't have underwear so all of that crap was rubbing off the seats. Seriuosly, what the fuck?

So in conclusion, I stink, you stink, we all stink. Let's help each other by taking a shower once a day and cleaning the toes. That's it. Good day.

I need to write about cougars. I may write about it soon. I'm writing this here so I can remind myself to write about it. Don't read this section.

Turning Chinese

So a friend decided to give up on Capitalism and try his Communist legs in Communist China.

He's moving there forever not for business but for personal reasons, which I think is a pretty good reason to go. Business is so boring. I don't think there is anything to lose in this endeavor except the pain in the ass moving process.

Now, I suggested that he enter his new muthaland with some style. I suggested that he put on a show or a parade to announce his grand arrival.


Remember the scene in Aladdin where he comes into town on an elephant or some shit? I picture that kind of scenario as my friend rides in to the small rural village of Wuhan where life is simple and a bowl of rice costs a ha'penny.

And as he rides through Wuhan, past the ol' communist Malt shop and past the dirt farms, the simple farmers of Wuhan will probably think, that guy must be important.

And when he enters his hostel, I think he should start his dance of seduction.

See exhibit A:



He can enter with that and everyone will be in awe. Not only that, I expect everyone to join in on the dance.

Hallmark (otherwise known as Fox News Channel)

Did I take this picture? Yes. I did. It's my collection. I'm not ashamed. Lucy is an American icon.

I love I Love Lucy. So, I watch Hallmark channel from time to time. They do a marathon at night and I like to get my fill.

But one thing I realized is that Hallmark is a very VERY conservative channel. I suppose it makes sense since most of the shows are from the 1940s and 1950s and shit. Back then, they didn't have them gays mucking up the good ol' days right? In any case, I realized that every other commercial on this channel was from AARP or the republican party. Also, nostalgia seems to be the theme for every damn commercial. Most commercials also had a "Made in America" angle. For example, Florida Orange Juice commercial revealed that Minute Maid orange juice imported their juice from Brazil. They also ran a bunch of commercials against universal health care. Forget the United Methodist commercial I talked about yesterday. These commercials are the worst shit ever. They had some "doctor" actor talk about some crazy ass retarded shit about medicare, England and Canada. They really love to scare old people.


And speaking of old people, I saw a 90+ year old woman try to drive her benz today. She almost caused 10 accidents in a span of 20 seconds. She was trying to drive but it looked like she couldn't see. She was squinting her eyes, leaning forward and she made erratic stops because she couldn't see if the traffic light was red, yellow or green until it was too late. She would stop in the middle of the intersection because that was how far she would have to go before she could see what color it was. The car in front of me almost crashed into her and when we passed her, she almost swerved into our lane. Hmmm...in retrospect, I think I should have called the police...I hope she didn't kill anyone today.

Rethink Church...wha?!?!

Are they serious?

What the fuck are we rethinking? Are they saying that Church has a reputation of lameness but it's really cool and hip? Is that what we're rethinking?

Newsflash: Church is NOT supposed to be cool and hip. You don't play at church. You worship and go home.

"What if church was a verb"

Ugh.

I saw a commercial for this new...I'm sorry...nouveau crusade and I was really embarrassed for them.

Okay, who are they trying to reach here? These ridiculous campaigns seem to preach to the choir. I use myself as a gauge (because I'm always right) to determine whether a particular campaign works or not and I must say, in my non-humble opinion, this one sucks. It's also disturbing to me. I feel like at any minute God is going to throw a lightning bolt at these people because this campaign is so cringe-worthy.

"Powered by the Holy Spirit, 'Rethink Church' serves as a catalyst that moves the denomination, and those we hope to reach, into dialogue -- and ultimately, into transformative, collaborative action."

What...the...fuck... What is this? It makes absolutely no sense. Are they saying that they recognize non-believers right to exist and that they will allow them to co-exist with the righteous believers as long as we work to better mankind? Or is this quote another way of saying that they intend to assimilate everyone Borg style into their collective to get stuff done (ie spread the gospel)?

If God was here, I think he would be angry...like Old Testament angry. Remember when God didn't like people deviating from his plans? He does not want people to hang out and play ball in his house of worship.


Granted, I think their intent is somewhat noble, since most of their community service events end with the aid of others but why do they have to taint their altruism with this stupid shit?

Oh yeah, and the stuff that they're trying to imply regarding the worship of YHWH is pure blasphemy. Even I know that the stuff they're trying to sell on TV is blasphemy. Playing ball? Having fun? Laughing about God?

No way.

If you're one of those people that feel that all the stuff that Presbies and Methos are doing is a proper evolution of the religion, I really think that I will see you tied up next to me in the afterlife.

Hey, I just had an epiphany. For the next campaign, they should release a hip-hop gangsta rap album that deals with the Holy Spirit trying to survive in the ethereal ghetto. Is that blasphemous enough for you?

Enough of my rambling rant.

I will make my recommendation. United Methodist, please, stop this ridiculous campaign. Instead of spending money on this crap, quietly help others in need.

And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Hmm...where did I hear this?

"The Scribes and Pharisees were guilty of two great faults in prayer, vain-glory and vain repetitions"

Do it quietly and with some dignity ffs.

Okay, I was going to end right there but I have one more thing to say.

I have always had a problem with missionary work and spreading the gospel through "good deeds" that everyone talks about. Even as a kid at church and at church functions, I really felt dirty and guilty. I feel that these missions are deceptive. For example, organizations want to feed the homeless. That's fine. They want to relieve hunger. That's fine. They lure people who are hungry for food (NOT hungry for God) into their huts or hives or whatever and then when they're near, BAM!!!, they pull out the word of God and start their commercial. What up wit dat? And since these people who are eating the food are guilt-tripped into staying and listening, they have no choice but to nod their head and thank people for the food AND God. I hate product placement in movies and TV and I hate product placement in real life. I cannot be alone in feeling this. As a kid, I would see homeless people come to eat some food but while they are eating, these missionaries start shoving God's truth down these poor people's throats along with the turkey dinner. Unbelievable.

Prepare for warp...now punch it!

My friend over at his blog wrote a "hype post" giving people a hint about what's to come. Well, I'll do one here too.

Tomorrow, there will be a rant. And it will involve religion. I have not written one in a long time so I figured I was due....

I drink too much coffee.

Yes, it's true. I'm an addict. I know it's a legal stimulant but...


It's out of control...but I can't stop it. Rather, I refuse to stop it.

I drink about 10 cups...check that, I'm lying...I drink about 15 cups a day.

Look at that! I talk like an addict. I don't know what to do. As I write this, I'm drinking a Venti iced coffee right now.

I never drank coffee during college. But then after I left, it became a habit. Now it's a necessity. I know it's bad for my stomach. I think I may be developing an ulcer. But I just can't stop.

HELP ME!

Embarasssing Health Confessions

Here

These seem pretty tame to me.

Do people fart in your face? Well, do they?!?

I must be in one of a handful of professions in the world where you must tolerate or even encourage flatulence. I will also argue that customers find it comfortable farting in my presence, even though I find smelly farts are not at the top of my favorite-things-in-the-world list and do not really want shit particles floating into my nose.

I was working with a customer the other day when I heard this woman fart. It was a loud fart and as far as I could smell at that point, a relatively unsmelly explosion. However, this woman did not apologize or say "excuse me" for farting. Instead, she just farted again...

and again....

and again.

Seriously, the person farted about 10 times (they were a combination of short rapid fire farts combined with some swooshing farts, finishing with a hadouken-style super fart of atomic proportions).

Street-Fighter-2-Hadouken sound bite 1 sound bites

And then it happened.

I was bending down to help examine her heel when suddenly she farted in my face. It was a moderate explosion but it was definitely smelly. I would describe the smell as a mixture of human feces, cat urine, and old sweaty socks. I felt like an invisible fart film covered my face (imagine a saran wrap covering your face except the saran wrap is much more farty and fucking gross).

She still did not exhibit any embarrassment. She just continued her business and kept farting.

It was really weird. I had no choice at this point but ask, "Having you been passing gas a lot lately?"

She replied, "Yeah, but it's alright. Farting makes me feel good."

...

Now, what the fuck are you supposed to say to that?


Actually, I didn't say anything because I was dry heaving the entire time. I finished my work as quickly as I could and escaped to my office. I developed a mild headache after the exposure and felt a bit dirty. I was contemplating going to the ER so I can give the ER docs a good laugh but I had more work to do. My next appointment was a fishy experience...but I'm worn out so I'll weave that tale at another time.

Nooooooooooodles

NOOOOOODLES!

Duck, mooncakes, and now the noodles...

I don't know how to feel about this. I don't know if they tried to analyze the bacteria in the product after a few days on the shelf or if they tried to assess the shelf life of these things but we need more scientific data.

I'm surprised Martin Yan from Yan-can-cook-so-can-you fame is stepping up. He should assemble other AZN chefs like "East Meets West guy", Iron Chef Asia and Momofuku King. He can call them up a la M.A.S.K. style.



And yes, MASK is great.

Tomorrow, I will talk about farts. Seriously.

Teacher, I have a question.

Can you be both "elegant" and "down-to-earth"? I always thought elegance describes a superfluous component. I need grammar police/english teacher input on this one.

Poisoned!

I was poisoned the other day. Someone kept telling me to drink this vile liquid and I had no choice to agree. It was for the greater good. Remember that scene in Harry Potter 6 where Harry and Dumbledore are looking for the Horcrux in the cave? They had to keep drinking that water in the bowl so they could get the locket? Yeah, it was like that. But before you say I am like Dumbledore, I will say that I am like him in the sense that I am courageous. I am not like Dumbledore the gay dude who wears Velveteen. There, I stopped the gay jokes. I don't want to read anything in the comment section about that.


I think it was the Port that did it. That port was vile. It was gross because it was sweet. Also, the bone marrow butter didn't agree with me very well. I know it was supposed to be a delicacy and shit but the Chinese suck bone marrow for breakfast and oxtail is plentiful. Suck on that Europe.

This is not me...but I thought it was a funny picture

Good thing I didn't barf inside my friend's car. Actually, I think it would have been funny. I asked the next day whether or not I left any gifts in his car in the form of predigested and partially digested foodstuffs and he said there weren't any. I think I puked most of it in the parking lot of that Denny's. (Sorry Denny's employees about the mess in the parking lot. But that barf is worth 180 dollars...so it wasn't some shitty bar food that I left there at night for you guys.) But, I hope at least I left some of the putrid smell in the car. That way, it can remind him of the fun times in life.

In any case, I am sad that the weekend is over. I will say again Happy Birthday to the driver of that car since it's his birthday today. I wish we can do something today but sadly I'm at work listening to people's problems. Hopefully, the week will be somewhat painless and without too much drama so that this weekend, I can relax. I say, we should try to go to Red Robin. I feel like eating some of those fries...

Today is a day of reflection

Today, I will think about what I have done in the my life and assess whether this is where I want to be.

If I had to give myself a grade today, I would give myself a "B". I don't think I have completely fucked up my life but at the same time, there is definitely room for improvement.

I wonder what my life will be from this point on. Is it going to be just more work day after day? Are there any surprises waiting for me? Will I die soon? I wish I can predict the future. I wish I had the perfect plan. However, I have to do what I can with what I have.

When I was younger, I never wanted to grow up. Other kids may have wanted to get older faster but not me. Some kids wanted to age so they can go to that rated-PG13 movie and then eventually Rated R. I was never in a hurry (Actually, I don't think the movie thing applied to me since I saw all of that shit before age anyway.) Some wanted to turn 16 so they could drive. Some people couldn't wait to turn 21 so they can drink legally. I didn't. I just didn't want to grow up and face more responsibilities and hardship..

At this point in life, there are no more artificial milestones to achieve. I can drive, drink and do whatever the fuck i want. I guess the only thing left is get to the age where I can collect social security but I don't even know if that will be available. I guess the other thing is when I can start getting senior discounts.

In any case, I will spend the weekend thinking about all of these things and come monday, it will be another beginning of the week.

Is that all there is....?

Kai Shun Mandolin Professional Slicer

Can you believe this shit costs over 200 bucks?!?!?

This thing better be able to slice open a bean can for that price.

Deliciousness: Petite Brownie Bites

Petite Brownie Bites from Costco is pretty damn good. It packs a ton of goodness into a small package. The problem is that it also packs a hefty calorie count in that soft brown cupcake like profile.

I would recommend you buy it and try it. It's definitely worth the 10 bucks. This thing will last you a month or so. It's fantastic with milk or vanilla ice cream. Go get it!

* Sent via BlackBerry *

Hanken cels

One of my pieces (For the 100th time, it's not for sale) - And yes, it's A1 bitches! hahaha

I used to be a collector of cels. Well, I guess since I never actually gave up collecting, I am still a collector. However, I took a break after...well, the entire industry went digital and "cels" were no longer painted by hand but rather done in photoshop or photoshop-like digital environments.

This is a shame because these cels were amazing. Of course, the quality depended on the "frame" and whether it was an A, B, or C cel but I always appreciated the fact that in the slave labor like environment, a human took the time to dip paint/ink and draw on some plastic for the world to see for a fraction of a second.

In any case, my dream was to collect 1 or 2 super high quality pieces from various series so that I can look back 30 years from now and reminisce. I never collected these things so that I can make a profit. I just thought they were really interesting and I figured this hobby would expand my understanding of the world a little more. I would have purchased more cels but the problem of course was money.

These fucking things were really expensive. My friend always brings up the time when I asked him for 400 bucks out of the blue. It was a shame because he only had 300 bucks. Still, I managed to find the money and buy the fucking thing. AND, i managed to get it signed by inoue kikuko. (Guess which cel I got? heh)

The most coveted cels in my opinion were Hanken cels. These were ultra-rare cels that were hand painted and were depictions of key frames/poses of characters and scenes from a series. They were usually created to make covers for albums, dvd boxes, stickers, and other merchandise. Therefore, the detail and quality of these original one of a kind pieces were superb...and super expensive. Also, these were almost never released to the public. The only way you can get these things required unusual circumstances....which I imagine involved some sort of sex act. But once in a blue moon, you could get them because, i imagine, some desperate employee sold them to buy more sexual favors or to buy ladies of the night.

I was surfing the web today and I found some old school hanken cels for sale. Guess what, each piece costs >$6000 bucks. Seriously, one fucking cel costs over 6 grand. I remember these things selling for 500-1000 bucks back in the day but now....it's ridiculously expensive.

I guess I'll never own any more of these things. Most have been bought up by collectors years ago or have been destroyed. Other interesting ones, like the Disney "hanken" will never ever be sold again. I have a few Babs and Buster bunny but who cares about that shit right?

Sigh. Anyway, I guess I felt like thinking back to the good ol' days...

Birthdays

There are many people with September birthdays. This poses a problem. I am only one person and I can't make it to all of these parties.

I also saw this. Is this the birthday present for someone I know?



Stay tuned.

I went to taco bell and I saw this...

Follow America's lead.

And yes, the girl's name is America.

This girl looks really awkward posing in that ugly yellow shirt/sweater. Those clothes do not suit her. First of all, the girl looks like she usually wears goth clothing when off work. Second, she's the manager ffs. Why she in wearing those WASPy clothing? She sold out her hispanic heritage and became Rush Limbaughed.

Challenge to the Third

As I mentioned a few days ago, there are 3 people that read this blog at most. I know the two that come by from time to time but I don't know who the third person is.

I challenge that person/bot to leave anonymous messages in the comment section. Don't worry, I won't track your IP address or anything like that. I just want to hear what you have to say. I don't like voyeurs. I keep the anonymous comment feature on so people can bitch and moan without having to identify themselves.

So introduce yourself.

Steve Jobs is dead

Or is he?

Remember that fiasco a few months back regarding Steve Jobs, CNN, and premature death announcement? Apple's entire future rests on this guy getting better. If I were Apple, I would definitely spend all of the money to keep this guy alive. If it means getting him an artificial body to sustain his head, I would do so. I would "buy" the best minds of the world to develop a cure for this guy's disease. Because when he dies, Apple will die with him.

And why is that? I thought other people were working on product development? Why is he so special?

In any case, I haven't seen him much in public lately. He needs to make appearances like at MTV music awards or some shit like that. That would keep the stock holders happy.

Or perhaps he's already dead and Apple is covering it up. Maybe his lifeless body is next to Walt Disney in Cinderella's Castle/Cryogenic Chamber 5000. Maybe the recent event that he hosted was all smoke and mirrors and shit. Can anyone prove that he's alive? He needs to attend a public venue, like my birthday party to prove to the world that he's still in the physical realm.

anonymity

Although I own several websites, I find myself enjoying blogging here the most. The reason, of course, is because I post anonymously about various topics that piss me off. I know that there are at most 3 readers out there but the point of this blog wasn't to gain some exposure or become famous in any way. This is a place where I rant and vent my frustrations with life. I enjoy writing about random shit day to day. I don't worry about being politically correct or worry about grammar. Plus, I use the website to post things that I want to remember for another day.

In my line of work (sales rep for Sax Fifth Ave), I have to deal with a lot of assholes. I can't vent my frustrations with coworkers because ...well, I complain about a lot of them. I can't vent my frustrations to my customers because that would be unprofessional. So this blog is my sanctuary.

Psychiatry - YOU need it!

What the hell is wrong with people? I think most of the people I talk to every day you should get some form of psychiatric evaluation.

My day started out okay but then I had a very difficult client.

This person used to be in the health industry. That makes shit difficult. Then, looking at the history, I could tell this was not going to be a happy day.

Multiple complaints about multiple things. Ruled out almost every fucking disease known to man. And then this person comes to me saying no one is listening to her. When I bring up the fact that a psych eval might help, she flips out saying she's not crazy or depressed. She doesn't understand why everyone is saying this.

I'll tell you why.

It's because you are nuts. Do you really want help? You should go see a psychiatrist or a psychologist. You don't want to? Okay, then you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life. Suck it.

And that brings me to another point. What is the deal with this hatred for psychiatrists? They are here on this earth for a reason. They are here to protect me from all of you crazy fucks.

This is how I determine whether you need to see a psychiatrist:

1) Do you hate psychiatrists with a passion?

If the answer is yes, you DEFINITELY need to see a psychiatrist because you are a certifiable nutjob. Seriously, you are a mirror image of Tom Cruise and you need to get your crazy ass to a clinic ASAP.

2) Do you have a shit load of medical problems but doctors are telling you there is nothing wrong with you?

If the answer is yes, you need to get your sorry ass to a psychiatrist. Everyone thinks you're fucking crazy. So give us a break from your batshit craziness and see a therapist.

3) Are you a guy who thinks psychiatrists are for wimps?

If the answer is yes, you are such a fucking pussy that random people should kick the shit out of you every day. Go see a therapist and get your sorry ass on some mind altering drugs so I don't have to deal with you.

4) Are you a parent that thinks kids in America are on too many mind altering drugs?

If the answer is yes, you need to be locked up. First, I think these parents should be on mind altering drugs because they are fucking stupid and I don't want to hear from them. The way I see it, the reason we don't have an even shittier society is because these kids are on drugs. So suck on that assholes. Next, the kids are fucked up because the parents are fucked up or are a bunch of morons. Either way, that entire family needs some intervention fast.

Fucking fuckers.

Do you think I had a shitty day? Well, do you?

The Swayz...

Well, he has passed on. Like the movie Ghost, he has moved on from the physical world. This was expected, as pancreatic cancer he had did not have a great prognosis.

I was actually surprised when it was announced that he had started a new show. I thought that I had overestimated the aggressive nature of his cancer.

Now the question is, how long will Steve Jobs live with his cancer?

RIP Swayz...

Where are you from?

I was checking the blog activity for the first time in a year and I found that that there may be three or so unique visitors to my site. I think I can guess 2 of them but who is the third? Who are you? Why are you reading my blog? More importantly, are you spying on me? I want to know!

* Sent via BlackBerry *

Have you been trying to contact me?

"Don't talk to me like you know me."
- Great Sage Rosie Perez

I realized that people are leaving me messages and I'm missing a lot of calls from people. I need to clarify, I am not trying to avoid you....or am i?

I need to let you know the time period in which I may be able to pick up the phone.

I come home around 5-6pm. Before this, rarely will I pick up personal calls because I'm at work and am elbow to elbow with colleagues. I can't talk about personal things in front of these people and I'm usually using the phone to look shit up anyway.

Sometimes, I come home around 8-9 pm. This means that I cannot pick up the phone until then.

I go to sleep around 9-10pm. This means that I do not pick up the phone when I'm in bed. No exceptions. I used to pick up phones, answer calls and shit which led me to become absolutely bonkers the next day at work. Besides, I don't even hear the phone anyway in my deep slumber.

I wake up around 5 am and go to work by 6am. This means that I'm not going to be able to talk to people during this time because I'm in a rush.

On the weekends, it's hit or miss because I work one weekend and rest one weekend with similar daily schedules.

So there you have it. That is my schedule.

What is the best way of contacting me? Email or text. Don't bother with voice mail. My voice mail box has been backed up since months ago.

If it's truly an emergency, please call 911.

What what?

I feel like I just went to hell and back. I'm exhausted.

Now that I have a lighter schedule for a little while, I need to put myself together and continue my life. Of course, come November, this shit is going to start all over again...except it will be 100 times worse...

What the fuck am I doing again?

I need to look forward to the little things in life again. I really need an alcoholic beverage.

Sleeeeeeeepy

I'm really sleepy.

Anthony

If you haven't already, go watch No Reservations Outer Borough.

3 more days...

3 days left.

Tomorrow is another painful day. I have to stay super late.

Thursday will suck even more since I have to deal with all of the problems presented on Wednesday.

And then Friday, I have a presentation and I have a very limited amount of time to finish my work.

Last three days will suck big time.

I can't wait until the weekend.

Obsession #2194

I am obsessed with Lay's Kettle Cooked Jalapeno Extra Crunchy Potato Chips.

They are fucking fantastic.


Every bite reminds me of Mexico, where Jalapenos are plentiful and spiciness is a way of life.

Seriously, go try 'em. You'll be blown away like that movie, Blown Away.

Coffee!

I am really sad that there is a limited selection of affordable mill and brew machines. I didn't realize that the world we live in does not have a decent affordable multitasking machine that brews that perfect cup of coffee.

I'm also sad that these "pod" coffee machines are so fucking expensive. What the hell? K-cups are expensive. Nespresso caps are expensive as hell. And the senseo shit is basically the same thing.

These assholes need to drop the price on these things. It's ridiculous.

"Prepare for pain tonight"

This is what my "boss" told me just minutes ago:

"Prepare for pain tonight. It's not going to be a fun night for you."

What does this mean?

Right now, I have about 15 minutes to eat dinner and prepare for the onslaught.

Why am I doing this?

BTW, to the one of two readers that read my blog, I will say this,

You should definitely do what i'm doing.

I hope I survive the week

I really hope I survive. I'm so tired.

And so it begins. Hour 1/30.

Woo.

Basement

Tomorrow, if i have time (yeah right), I will be reporting in from the basement again.

Labor Day?

While many folks enjoy the long weekend, I will be working. Monday is not a holiday. That was made clear by the higher-ups.

I will be spending Labor Day laboring.

I posted the picture above because I thought it was interesting. I have no idea what anne hathaway has to do with labor day but whatever.

Losing my mind

Today I realized I was losing my mind.

I couldn't remember the access codes to the doors I use everyday. I just couldn't remember for some reason. It was really strange.

Countdown

I have 7 days left...
Tomorrow is another 30 hour hell.

Save me jeebus.

Weekends (or at least one day off)

Resting for two days on the weekend is really important. It's really important for the body and mind. Seriously, I want to destroy the person who thought working 12 days in a row and then getting two days off was a great idea. Absolutely stupid.

I have noticed that by the 9th day, I'm pretty much so exhausted that I want to die. I become grumpier and become annoyed easily. For example, last week, I didn't realize I was cussing all morning walking down the hallway until I noticed people were staring at me.

Basement, yet again

I am writing this in the basement of my work. I have finished 17 hours and will need to finish 13 more hours before my shift ends. It has been a rough night so far. I have not had a chance to eat dinner and it's midnight. I think I'll eat this banana pudding and coke. Yummers.

Bummer

I don't know why but I've feeling a bit down recently. I think it may be due to the fact that I'm just really tired. This is bad because it's only 3 months since I started the new job.

Or perhaps I'm feeling a bit down because I have nothing to look forward to. I have no ambitious goals for myself for the future. I feel like I've done what I can with my life and I just don't see anything new or exciting in the future. This is a problem.

What should I do? Should I plan a trip? Should I do something different?

Just in case you were wondering...

I worked about 95 hours last week.

Take that Samuel Koogart.

Working the 30 hour shift

Most people work 40 hour work weeks.

I have to do a 30 hour shift at one time. And then, I have to work some more.

This is bullshit.

The Road

Here we are again. It feels like a weird time in life. I don't know what it is but I feel lost. I don't know where to go from here.

It is not an easy time in my life. I'm still trying to adjust to a profession I really don't know would be truly fulfilling to me. There are many aspects of it I like but others I really detest.

I don't have a goal any more. Perhaps this is why I feel a bit lost. My ambitions are gone. I really don't want or need any more than what I have now. Actually, I think I could live with a little less.

What can I do?

X & S & E Series Walkman®

Sony is dead. Everyone knows this. Who the fuck buys Sony these days? (Well, I actually bought a tv recently but that was because it was super cheap. If i had more money, i would have purchased the sammy). Anyway, sony is coming out with the X & S & E series walkman. What a fucking joke. Does this company ever learn? What is the advantage of purchasing this thing? It supports the same crappy proprietary-locked-down formats that inconvenience the user. Other players do the same thing, I know. My question is then, why would I buy this piece of shit over the other cheaper one? And why don't I just purchase the ipod touch?

It just doesn't make sense. I have a super awesome business solution. Sony should just say fuck it to copy protection bullshit for their electronics right now. Let the Sony Music/Movie division deal with their own crap. The electronic division needs to take back control from the lawyers and assholes. They need to create a simple, slick video/mp3 player that supports all the popular pirated video formats/mp3/flac/etc. They can still put the premium price on it but at that point, it would be worth purchasing because the freedom it would give the user. Hell, I would buy it and become a sony user all over again.

But that is not going to happen and Apple, Samsung, and other chinese companies will continue to eat away shares of the electronic market and push sony electronic out of the picture.

Money

The one positive? aspect of working all the time is that you can't spend any money...oh wait, is that really a good thing? What the hell am I working for?

* Sent via BlackBerry *

Working till dawn

Welp, it's another day and another 30 hour call. i've already worked 12 hours but i have 18 more to go. What an amazing life. I live to serve I suppose.

I write this in the basement of my work. I get no cellphone coverage so I can't really txt message anyone. I can't call long distance either.

There is only one wireless device that works down here.

It's the fucking pager.

I really hate this thing. I really hate it hard.

Tired

I find that when I'm dead tired, things become clearer. All the little stupid shit that I worried about when idle gets pushed to the background and I come to focus on the absolute necessities to survive my life. For example, during my less busier month, I thought about all of the restaurants and eateries I wanted to visit around this town. Now, all I care about is getting comfort food down my throat as fast as I can. When I was not busy, I found myself wanting to watch more TV, movies, and participate in activities. Now, I don't care. I want to visit family and friends even if it's just for a short while and sit on the couch and do nothing.

And that brings up a good point. The best decision I made is to come back to where I grew up. In this busy stressful profession, you need stability more than anything. Anything includes prestige, money, fame, etc. Location, location, location is the most important for me. Others have other goals but for me it's always been comfort. and comfort can only be brought about by being near people I know. Next year will bring another change in my life when i have to change locations. However, I will be closer to where I want to be so I'm happy about that. I think that will help tremendously.

Sleep deprivation does many things to your psyche. There is a laundry list of things that are bad that come about from lack of sleep. There is one good thing though. And that is apathy toward people's perception of you. You just don't care what other people think. You need to get your work done and go home. That is all I care about right now.

I often think about whether I have made the right choice in going into this profession. People keep telling me "it'll get better". I don't know what that really means. My expectations of "better" may be different from all others.

I am on my 8th day of my 12 day work week. I'm ready to crash. My team is annoying the shit out of me. One guy is a weirdo prick. Other is the same. I'm tired of both of them. I am trying my best to minimize my interaction with them.

I can't wait until this weekend when I don't have to do anything. This weekend also marks the halfway point of this block. That's cause for celebration too.

Attack of the Girl Bands

What is the deal with the super girl groups consisting of 9 members? Do we really need 9 singers in one group? The answer to that, of course, is yes.

Girl's Generation


Morning Musume




Why did I make this blog post? Who knows. I saw the video on MTV and I thought it was shocking.

Vinturi Essential Wine Aerator - How I love thee...

Vinturi Wine Aerator is the shiznit. I can't believe it. I tried the same wine with and without the device and...damn, what a difference!!!

Guess what everyone is getting this Xmas...

Seriously, this is worth the investment. I've always been too lazy to use a decanter but now I can get AMAZING enhancement of flavor from all of the wine I drink using this.

I have come back from my blog hiatus to write about this because this thing is so awesome.

My Dinner - gross

My dinner

* Sent via BlackBerry *

Dead Tired

I am dead tired. 12 day work weeks suck donkey ballz. I really wish i could work 40 hour weeks. So tired...sleep....forever sleep.

Lakers!

We win! Woo!

Loud and Clear

Click this

The commercial is hilarious. I love the guy at the party. The device on the ear looks absolutely ridiculous.

New Beginnings

This blog had been neglected because the last month has been hectic. I moved, I graduated, and I started a new life and new job. It has been stressful because moving to a new place and starting a new job are not easy tasks. As I have mentioned in my previous post, everyone seems to be going through a transition phase.

One of my friends is still in China...and may remain there forever. I'm going to miss my cousin's wedding because of work. That same cousin is moving Midwest. Another cousin in starting school at USC. My mom is traveling outside the country. My sister is looking for a new job. Lakers may win another championship. This is crazy.

I realized this past month that I don't like change. I like routine. Granted, I love traveling and seeing new places and experiencing new things but I like those things to remain transitory. I want to be able to come "home" and get back to routine. In the past, I would tell my interviewer that I enjoy challenges. I don't any more. I want to push a button all day long.

Rethinking Public Transportation

I like the facial expression of the girl on the very right.
She's probably thinking, "ugh, I hate these coworkers and I hate the fucking bus"

I have been taking public transportation on and off for the past 5 years in Manhattan and in the other 5 boroughs and I have concluded that using PT is nether significantly better or worse than driving when analyzed within the context of my life.

There are positives and negatives to each method of people moving. However, for me, driving wins by a hair.

Time was a big factor in coming to this conclusion. It just takes too much fucking time to go from one place to another. Even within Manhattan, I think I could get to most places faster if I pulled the car out of the garage and drove there. It takes me 1.5 hours to go 30 blocks using public transportation whereas even in moderate traffic, I can be at the destination in 40 minutes. Of course, it'll cost more but if time is indeed priceless, then..well..there ya go.

I think people also forget that it takes time to walk to the station, transfer trains, walk to the building, etc. They see the time schedule on a train or a bus and think, "oh, it's a 35 minute train ride" or "it's on a 15 minute bus ride". They fail to realize that they need to be at the bus or train stop 5 minutes before it arrives, you may have to take another public transportation to get to said train stop, and you may have to even walk a few blocks before and after the train ride. Also, even if you get to the stops in time, the buses or trains may be late or they may be full so you have to wait for another one.

Take for example my morning public transportation commute the other day. I woke up at 6am to get ready and to catch the 7 o'clock bus ride to the train station. I have to leave at 6:45 to walk to the bus stop. It takes about 30 minutes (if you're lucky and you don't have handicapped riders) to get to the station. Then, I wait anywhere between 5-20 minutes for the train (depends on whether I catch the 7:40 or the 7:51 train. The train ride is only 35 minutes. Then I have to swtich to the subway, which takes 15 minutes to my actual destination. After that, it's a "short" 8 minute walk to my destination. From door to door, that was about 1 hour and 40 minutes.

When I drive to the same destination, it takes me 35 minutes total with light traffic and 1 hour and 10 minutes with traffic, door to door.

Public transportation frees you from the stresses of driving and you don't have to spend money on gas. However, taking PT is not without stresses of it's own.

It sucks when the bus or train is late. It sucks when you're trying to take those buses or trains during rush hour because you may not get a seat and you have to stand shoulder to shoulder or smelly body to smelly body with everyone for 35 to 40 minutes. It sucks when people are in your way taking up the entire walkway or staircase when you have a train or bus to catch. Not only that, the "convenience" of public transportation ends at watery border of Manhattan. Beyond that, you're on your own. All of these little things can piss you off.

Because of this hassle, many people take cabs in the city. But I don't know if they count as public transportation. With tips and tolls, I don't know how much you're saving in the end.

I have to start commuting to work next month. Let us see if I maintain this position. Before coming here, I was ready to give up driving forever and embrace the supposed greatness of public transportation. Now that I've experienced both, I'm leaning back toward driving myself to places.

Here is an interesting list

I agree with everything on that list

* Sent via BlackBerry *

Stop Signs

DMV needs to make their written test and driving test harder. They need to emphasize and reemphasize the 4 way stop sign, 2 stop sign, and yield rules much more than they are doing now. No one in this fucking area seems to know the rules of the road. Most remember to stop at a stop sign (thank goodness), but after that, they act like deer in headlights. They freeze and don't know what to do if there are any other cars around at the intersection. It's fucking ridiculous.

I HATE driving through an intersection with 4 stop signs, especially those with one lane for left turns and another lane for those going straight. That intersection is source of confusion for so many people every morning. I fear for my life when I have to deal with those fuckers.

DMV in new york offers discounts for those that take a "refresher" course on driving rules. I think this is a great opportunity to reemphasize the rules. I also believe that when you have to renew your driver's license, you should have to take a mini quiz and pass that fucking thing before you can get your new one. It should be a visual exam where you watch a video of cars approaching an intersection and you have to choose "who has the right of way".

Funny Movie?

I think I'm going to watch this movie. Looks interesting. Hopefully it'll have gratuitous violence and it will get a hard R rating (NC-17 movies are not played in many theaters so I'll take the R).

Trailer Here

Anti-QVC

The other day, on his blog, a friend posted about QVC and how he was seduced by the glittering jewels sold on that channel.

I don't watch QVC and I don't enjoy looking at jewelery in my free time. However, I did watch some other infomercials on tv that intrigued me.

One was the JawHorse. It looked like the perfect equipment for me. They addressed all of the problems I had when I was doing carpentry. I hate the fact that I don't have a sturdy surface and I hate using regular saw horses for projects. I may have to pick one up.

The other was DualSaw. DualSaw is sold by the "Pitchmen" and they argue that it will solve the problems of regular circular saws. One major problem of typical circular saws is the "kickback" issue. Because the DualSaw has...Dual Saws and these saws rotate in opposite directions, the "kickback" issue is apparently solved.

I would like to try these two products. If they work like advertised, I think carpentry would be easier.

Betrayed

In the next few days, Amazon will announce the new Kindle supposedly named Kindle DX. It is supposed to have 9.7 inch display. And, it supposedly supports PDF. Now, I imagine that a firmware upgrade on the kindle 2.0 may solve the pdf issue on this device as well but i'm pissed that they announced a new kindle so early. I thought at least I had a year before I needed to upgrade. Oh well, I'm pretty much sold on ereaders at this point so I may have to sell the kindle 2.0 so i can get kindle 2.5.

Hot Stuff

I cannot find salsa that is in the HOT flava anywhere. I don't know if they discontinued it but none of the grocery stores carry it. I went to the Super Stop and Shop as well as other stores like Dagostino, Costco, etc and they don't have it either. Wha' happen? Did everyone turn into pussies? Can they not take the heat?

I have to resort to chopping my own jalapenos and mixing it with the salsa to get it hotter. This is lame. I want my hot stuff back.