Flight of the Spaz-igator (God, that's terrible)

I was on a plane with the 3/3 configuration on a flight to New York. 3/3 configuration means that there are three seats on either side of the aisle. I had the aisle seat (the choice seat). I was told earlier that the plane was not full, and I was praying to almighty Odin that no one would sit next to me, or at the very least, no one would sit in the middle seat so that I may stretch out. Odin failed me again and tragically, a woman in her mid 30s and her pre-pubescent 7 year old boy sat next to me. Even worse, the mother decided to break all unwritten courtesy/comfort-zone laws, and sat right next to me while the tiny child who could have allowed some elbow room had the window seat.

This was going to be a long flight…and I was right.

Two minutes into the boarding process, Ms. Spaz started going nuts. The plane was still at the terminal so it wasn't a felony…yet. It turned out that her TV wasn't working. She kept pressing all the buttons but the screen was black. My screen was fine. The child's screen was fine. She started getting frustrated and pressed all the buttons faster and faster. She then called the flight attendants.

Ms. Spaz said, "My TV isn't working. My TV ISN'T WORKING!!"

The hot flight attendant, Ms. Hotstuff, tried to calm her down.

Ms. Hotstuff said, "Ma'am, the TV usually doesn’t work while we're on the ground. As soon as we take off, we reset the system and it'll be fine. The person who sat there had a similar problem in the beginning but the screen will work."

Ms. Spaz, of course, wasn't satisfied.

She said, "Can I move to another seat? I think the seats in front of us are empty.”

The flight attendant replied, "Ma'am. We're about to take off. If the TV doesn't work in the air, I'll be happy to move you."

The flight attendant left. I was getting tired of the woman constantly hitting the buttons on her armrest. Ms. Spaz then bolted straight up and started looking around the cabin. There were two empty seats right in front of her, since there was a single man in his mid 50s sitting in the aisle seat directly in front of me. Mr. Man seemed to be listening to some calming music on his headphones. Ms. Spaz suddenly leaned forward and started pushing the buttons of the arm chairs in his row. Mr. Man seemed startled by this invasion of his comfort zone. It was a fucking spectacle. I couldn't believe this was happening.

As a gentleman though, he kept his calm and just smiled. The woman, picking up on this awkward vibe from everyone around her, said, "My TV won't work. I'm just checking to see if the screens in your row worked so I can move there."

I think this revelation devastated Mr. Man. I didn’t get a clear look at his face but I could tell he wasn’t too happy. He probably thought that he could stretch out all the way to New York in his three seats.

I was surprised when I heard her young child say, "Mommy, you can sit in my chair and use my TV."

I looked at the child's face and it looked as though he was completely embarrassed by her mom's actions. Our eyes met and they seemed to be telling me, “I'm sorry about my mom.” We then simultaneously looked at the mother. The mother was still engrossed in her quest to make the TV work in the other seats. I really felt sorry for the kid. I hoped that he won’t need a psychiatrist when he grows up.

The woman responded to her son’s plea by saying, "But you need to watch cartoons. I want to watch mommy TV."

The kid seemed to give up at this point. It looked as though he had gone through this routine countless number times before. He just sat back in his chair and looked out the window, experiencing another lesson in futility.

I was watching all of this unfold, trying to keep my mouth closed. Ms. Spaz had some serious issues. She sat back down after trying out all the buttons in the two front seats. Mr. Man in front of me seemed amazed.

We finally took off. During the whole take off process, she kept pressing the buttons to get the TV working. After a few minutes though, lo and behold, her TV started working.

Her complaints didn’t end there…fortunately (you’ll see why in a minute). The TV would, at times, turn black. Now, having flown on many planes, I know that the satellite signal can get cut off from time to time. The lady thought this was unacceptable.

"See, the TV is still not working" she screamed at Ms. Hotstuff. “We want to move.”

In my opinion, the TV was fine. It was a bit fuzzy, but what can you expect from a TV on a plane? Hell, having DirectTV on an airplane is a fucking miracle in itself. Slightly fuzzy picture is a small price to pay for awesome entertainment.

Ms. Hotstuff again asked for her patience. At that moment, Ms. Hotstuff was called to the front by the other attendants. She excused herself.

20 seconds later, Ms. Spaz pushed the button calling for an attendant.

"My TV is still not working,” She said. This time, it was another male attendant. “They said I could move if my TV wasn’t working.”

The attendant said, "Ma'am, it looks like it's working." Sure enough, ESPN was working fine on her television set.

"No, I want to move to the seat in the front."

The male attendant looked at me for some sort of moral support on the matter. He wasn't going to get any help from me. I wanted her to move. I didn't want to deal with that shit for another 5 hours. The attendant finally gave in and told the woman she could sit in the row in front of us.

I didn't even have to look at Mr. Man’s face. I knew he was disappointed. I was overjoyed.

I thought, "Fuck yeah, now i can lie down and go to sleep. First class bitches!!"

I didn't want to jinx the whole thing so I kept the enthusiasm to myself. Ms. Spaz looked at me to signal that she was ready to move. I gladly got up and moved into the aisle. I then moved a couple of aisles forward so that I could give the crazy bitch plenty of room. While waiting, I met the eyes of Mr. Man, who just drew the short end of the stick. Well, I guess he drew the short end of my stick. He didn't look too happy. The weird thing is, I think he and I had one of those "guy" moments where we knew what each of us was thinking.

We were thinking, "This lady is nuts."

The woman got her bags and food and the child, and started to move to the new seats. Suddenly, she saw another two seats a couple of rows toward the front of the cabin. There was one young lady sitting in the window seat and the two seats next to her were empty.

Ms. Spaz screamed, “Could we sit there instead?”

A smile formed on Old Man’s face. We both smiled, knowing we were both saved!

Ms. Hotstuff agreed to the second move and Ms. Spaz finally found her destination.

As soon as we got to cruising altitude, I lifted up all the armrests and made a little bed for myself. I turned the three television sets to different channels and plugged in three headsets to get all the audio from the shows.

It turned into a sweet relaxing flight.

Just for a moment though, I felt bad for the unlucky lady who had to sit next to Ms. Spaz for 5 hours. Oh well.