Iced Ass

When in Rome....

I've been working hard, trying to adapt to the lifestyles of this foreign land. I've been working hard to blend in with the local folk.

It's been proving to be difficult.

I was at K-mart trying to buy a vacuum cleaner. I don't have much money so I had hoped that I could purchase a cheap version of this household cleaning essential at this store so that I may clean up the pig-stye that i call home.

When I got there, there were no vacuum cleaners. Well, that's a lie. There was ONE vacuum cleaner left in the entire store...and it was $200. I cannot afford a $200 vacuum cleaner. Was it a surprise that this local establishment did not have things in stock? Hardly. Most stores for the lay people around here have nothing on the shelves. I don't know how they make money. I think they get one shipment of goods a year and if they sell out, tough luck. Even if they did have it in stock; that is, even if they had the products in the back, it would take another year for the workers to get it out to the front of the store. I find that I am forced to do most of the shopping online. In any case, I was out of luck in finding a cheap vacuum cleaner. The day before, I had visited 2 Targets and a home depot...they were all sold out. There must have been a massive dust storm attack, and people were stocking up.

I was discouraged once more, having wasted another 2 hours of my life in some godforsaken store. Sadly, it takes 2 hours on average to do anything outside of the house.

Tangent Time

This comes to my theory. Everyone is in a hurry around here. Furthermore, everyone is always late. I couldn't understand how that could be. I assumed everyone was walking briskly, driving quickly and erratically, and was always in some damn hurry because there was so much work to do.

This is NOT the case.

The reason for the hurry is because the foudation of the local infrastructure is so damn lazy.

The people working the checkout counters, the workers at fast food joints, waiters, baggers, cleaners, construction workers, stockers, etc. are fucking lazy. Are there exceptions? Probably. The exceptions, however, do not work around here I can tell you that. It takes me on averge 30 minutes to get through any checkout counter when I'm the only one in line. It takes me on average 30 minutes for a worker to tell me anything about anything. It takes on average a century to fix one mile stretch of road or highway. It takes 8 hours for an oil change. This is why everyone is so fucking late. This is why everything seems so fast paced. This is why everybody is in a goddamn hurry.

This is truly ironic. This part of the country is seen to have fast paced busy lives due to work. But I'm here to correct the misconceptions. People in the bottom rung of the economic ladder is slowing everybody the fuck down.

Now you're probably saying, "how can you be so damn prejudiced? how can you make such generalizations?" The simple answer to that is, "I can" and a better explanation is "it's the truth."

Here is a typical example. I'm at a KFC. I order a chicken leg. The chicken is sitting under a warmer ready to be picked up and placed in a box. The worker takes 10 minutes trying to figure out how to put the chicken leg in a box. Another example: At Costco, there are 30 checkout lanes with 30 checkout employees working. Every two minutes 15 of those checkout lanes are not moving because the workers are either a) talking to another employee about personal life or b) can't figure out how to use the checkout machine. Third example. They are trying to repave the street near my apartment. They've been trying to repave it for the past year and a half. It is still not done. The workers never work. If they do work, they work 30 minutes a day. 20 minutes of that is spent on eating. Fourth example. The county has been trying to fix a 500 yard stretch of highway. They started the work in 1999. It has taken 6 years. They are still not finished.

End Tangent

Back to K-Mart. I drag my weary body to the exit. I see one of those hot dog/food counters you often see at K-marts all over the country. I see the Icee machine and decide to treat myself to some liquid diabetes Type II, you know, to give my insulin a kick in the ass. I head over to the counter and I ask the man for a small blueberry Icee. The guy of course, doesn't listen to me and starts to talk to his co-worker. Let's see 2 minutes gone. He then turns to me and says, "What do you want dawg." I reply with my order and he funktastically walks over to the Icee machine. He fiddles with the machine, trying to figure out how to get the sugar water to ejaculate into my cup. Another 3 minutes gone.

While I'm waiting, an employee walks up to me. I was waiting to hear what this stranger wanted to say to me when she started talking about "breaktime". I didn't understand what was going on when I suddenly realized another worker walking toward me from my right to speak to the employee on my left. I was basically sandwiched between two employees at this point. They proceeded to speak to each other through me. I could not understand why they couldn't just go around me to speak to each other. There was plenty of room. Nevertheless, they talked about taking a break in 15 minutes so they could have a 15 minute break. They also wanted to heat up some chicken fingers to eat during that break. They then started talking about their boyfriends. Meanwhile, both of my ears are bleeding from this banality.

Finally, the guy gives me my Icee. I pay the man and take a sip. Ugh. Gross. The Icee tastes like ass water. My theory is that some worker, during their break, took a massive shit in the Icee machine and made a unique concoction to kill the customers. Digusted, tired, and pissed off, I walk out of the store.

I get to my car and proceed to drive home. While driving, a guy, not paying attention to the road, almost sideswipe me with his Porsche. I give him the customary finger and two friendly honks and three "fuck yous". (Like I said, I'm trying to blend in.) The guy replies with similar private signals and we're on our way.

This is the life in Rome. I'm trying hard not to become a big asshole I'm trying hard not to become one of those fuckers you see on the street pushing you out of the way. But if the inhabitants in this foreign land all behave in such uncouth manner, what am I supposed to do? Do as the Romans do?